I wanna lose control, I'm not afraid to lose it all

So....I think some friendships of mine are officially over. And I do not know why. I should be the one mad, not them. What right do they have to be mad at me? I have done nothing but try to be a good friend....I guess it is not enough. Oh well. Obviously they are not good friends and they do not care about me so I do not need them. I have people to care about me. I do not need them...

I know this. I am sure of this. I am convinced....

Yet, it still hurts. Why?

Nobody has touched my heart and healed my pain

You are my paradox. I hate talking to you, yet I love it. I find myself waiting for you to call me, to message me, to talk to me...all when I swear that I do not care if you do. I get sad when I am away from you, yet I try and distance myself from you. I do not understand the things I do, how can I expect you to? oh he's under my skin just give me something to get rid of him. You are not the one for me...but you feel like it. I know we are just friends, and that I should never feel this way for you...but I cannot help it. Maybe it is because you get me...more than anyone else. I feel like you care more than anyone...who knows...I am probably wrong. All I know is that I cannot get you off of my mind. And I hate that.

Torn in all directions and I pray for some relief

I think I need to take a break. A break from this life. I need to take a break from everyone and everything I know. I need to get away from this place...from these people. I need to find myself, because I lost it along the way when I was too busy living for other people. I got so caught up in pleasing others that I forgot to take care of myself.

The sad thing is....I didn't care. I have never put myself on my list of importance. I lived for other people, and I did it gladly. Because I told myself if I was doing all this for them, then they would care about me....I was wrong.

Dead wrong.

Because they just used me. They saw that I would do anything for them, and they took advantage of that...

So now I have no one. No friends. No family. No life. No self

life is lonely

You Can't Spell Friend Without E-N-D

Ok, so I was going to college in a different city...but I didn't like the set up at all. I was very unhappy, so I transferred back home. You would think my friends would be happy for me being happier. I mean, shouldn't friends be concerned only with what makes their friends happy? Well, my friends are not. They are mad at me. They are angry that I didn't stay there, that I didn't like that.

I don't have too good of a family life, and in the past my relationships with other people have turned out badly. Really badly. But I was always thankful to have such great friends...and now I feel so stupid for thinking that.

One of my friends, who I was so close to...who i have known longer than the others got mad at me that I tried to keep in touch and she hasn't talked to me at all in months. It hurts. She of all people should know how I feel...but she doesn't. All she cares about now is herself and her boyfriend....

It hurts. What is so wrong with me that I drive people away?

How am I supposed to sleep with all this static in my head?

This is my first entry...I do not know how much I am going to be writing, but I will try and keep it updated...even though I have no idea who is reading this...none of my friends (that I know of) have a blog here...so maybe I will be able to get my thoughts out here