You can tell where I have been by looking at my wrists

I need to let go
I need to move on
I need to accept the fact my past is gone.
I need to forgive those who have hurt me
I need to remember the good times
I need to make the bad disappear
I need to forget everyone and everything
I need to make new friends, to replace the ones I have
I need to make new loves, to let go of the one I never really had.
I need to have a good time with people who are new
I need to do everything in my power to forget all of you.
I need to be alone
I need to find that special group of people I can call my home.
I need to find those people who will realize I am not perfect, and love me for it.
I need to find that one friendship where I know I can always depend
I need to find a friend.

i just poured out my heart, there's pieces of it still on the floor

I am so tired of faking a smile for you.
I am tired of pretending to be alright so you won't worry.
I am tired of pretending my world is perfect, just so yours is.
I am tired of caring for your every little need, wish, or want
When all I need is for you to reassure me you care.
My life isn't perfect.
My smile isn't real.
My laughter covers up, all I don't feel.
The tears that are in my heart
Show vaguely in my eyes
Which then are shuttered by thin veils of skin.
My bruises fade
My cuts heal
My scars stay, permanently etched on my heart
I thought that no matter what...if I tried hard...
I would be happy.
If I was a good person...I would succeed.
But I learned
No matter how hard you try
You cannot pretend things into existence.
Wishing doesn't change things
Hoping doesn't work.
Majic fairy dust is dull plastic better left within childhood whims

A panicked manic

i am locked up
the walls are closing in
my panic grows
i am manic
shortness of breath
heart beating faster and faster
did you want to hurt me?
darkness is coming
i see it around the corner
fear
i am afraid
slam my hands on the wall
tears stream down my pale cheeks
running in circles
pulling my hair
wringing my wrists
runrunrunrunrunrunrun
stop.stumble.fall.crash.down into reality
i am locked up
alone in the dark
i am numb
no more fear
no more tears
i am empty
i am safe
you can't get me here
in my safe world
in my box
it's just me
panic slows
heart calms
breath ceases
you can't hurt me anymore

Just because I want someone when I'm alone, doesn't mean I'm helpless...that I can't stand on my own

There is a voice inside my head
I wish I could listen to it instead.
All I want is to be alone,
Yet that is what I am most afraid of.
I'm a pardox.
I want to be in the mountains
I wish to be in the sea
Both at the same time
Wouldn't you like to be me?
I am the only one who undertands my thoughts
Yet they make no sense to me.
How much more messed up can I be?
I have fallen too far to be saved,
Yet salvation is just a heartbeat away

Baby I feel stupid to call you, but I am feeling lonely

The one thing that i wish I could forget to do is the one thing that comes automatically

breathe in breathe out

Everything seems so hard all of the sudden. Things were going fine. I thought I was doing good

i was happy

Then I finally realized. I realized that despite everything I do for you isn't what you want

i'm not enough for you

Will it ever be enough for you? I have changed so much (mostly for the better) all for you

and you don't even see

I'm sorry. For everything I have done wrong. I am sorry that I am not enough for you.

why can't you love me

I pour my heart out to you. I trust you with everything I have. I let you see all of me

i'm so scared

I need to be reassured that I am needed. That I am important. That I am loved.

is that too much to ask?

But you refuse to do it. So isn't it only natural that the conclusion I draw isn't a good one?

you don't want me

you don't need me

you don't love me

i'm not enough for you

and for that

i'm sorry. so sorry.

Why can't you love me? I'll change for you, I'll play the part

All I ever wanted
Was to be the one to make you happy.
I see how happy your other friends make you.
I see how you light up at the mention of their name,
How you smile at the sight of them,
How the sound of their voice has your rapt attention.
All I ever wanted was to be one of them.
I know you see me as a friend...but it doesn't feel that way.
I want to make you happy.
I want you to truly see me...to truly see me.
I want you to tell me you love me.
I want to tell you I love you.
We tell everyone else that we love them,
Those words have no trouble slipping off our tongues,
As long as they are aimed at other people.

I can change for you.
I already have.
I want to be the one to make you smile.
I want to be the one to make you laugh.
I want to be the first one you thing of when you get big news
Because you are for me.

I want to be the one to make you happy....because you are the one that makes me happy.
You are the one that makes me laugh.
You are the one that makes me smile.
You are always the first one I think of when I get big news.

It hurts that I cannot make you as happy as everyone else.
It hurts to be with you and watch as others make your eyes light up.
It hurts to hear you say "I love you" so easily to someone else.
It hurts me to see the light die in your eyes when you realize that it is just me.
It hurts to see you be so happy with others...
When you are the only one that makes me that happy.

All I want is for you to be happy.
I just I could be the one to make you happy...


(believe it or not this is not a poem about romance...it is written to my best friend)

I can play the part

I am so tired of feeling like this
I thought I could be what you wanted.
I thought I could change myself...
To fit what everyone wanted me to be.
But that is not me.
I told myself that I could change for them
And I tried.
I tried so hard, and what has it gotten me?
Nothing....no one.
I feel more alone now then I have in a long time.
People I trusted left me stranded.
They swore I would never be left alone again...
Look where I am...
Alone

I never imagined I'd crumble this way

So last night I went to a concert. I went with a good friend of mine and we saw Trapt, Chevelle, and Nickelback. We had floor seats, it was amazing.

She paid for the tickets because the last concert we went to, I paid for. Every concert we have gone to, I have driven. I have never asked her for gas money. Well, last week she asked if I could drive (and before I could even say yes) she said if I can't then I could drive her car, if I paid her for gas. That annoyed me, because even when I paid for the tickets, she never gave in for gas. But I didn't say anything. So yesterday, I call to see if she could come over here, but it was going out of my way to go pick her up and then go to the concert. She refused. So I went and got her. Then on the way there, I asked if she would pay for parking. I thought it would be like $5. It was $10. So I figured, we could split the cost. But I didn't mention it then.

Anyways, we go in and go downstairs, we had floor seats. She immediatly starts complaining about something. It astounds me. Because nothing is ever good enough for her. Anyways, the first act comes on, and I start dancing and having fun. The second act, the same. Except I caught a guitar pic. It was amazing! Anyways, finally after waiting forever the headliner came on. I am having so much fun. Dancing, jumping, singing, screaming...I told her that if I caught a guitar pic from the lead singer that I would give it to her (because she loves him). Well, I caught another guitar pic, but it was from the guitarist (whom I adore).

Anyways, afterwards we are walking towards a resturant to get water and she gets pissed at me. She thinks that I lied to her about giving her the pic. But the lead didn't throw it. The guitarist did. So she is all mad, and I know from experience that it is best to let her be when she is angry. So I start talking to some people around me. I wasnt ignoring her because everytime I tried to talk to her or approach her, she walked away. So finally we left and I mentioned her paying half, and she didnt say anything so I paid for parking. I was not really talking to her, because she ignored me. But what litle I did say to her was in the same tone I use with her.

Anyways, today I open my mail and I have a message from her. Pretty much she is so hurt that I ignored the fact that she was mad and that she thinks I lied to her and the main guy did throw the second pic, and that she cannot believe that I am letting a guitar pic ruin a 5 yr friendship.

Un-fucking-believable. I was not mad, I mean I was upset that she was mad at me. But I think that is a stupid reason to be mad at someone. Most people would be like "I am happy for you," but not her. She is leting a misunderstanding about a guitar pic ruin our friendship, all because she didn't see who threw the pic on the first place.

I think she is just mad that I wasn't babying her, but it was just plain ridiculous. I don't understand how she could want to ruin a 5 yr friendship over this. It infuriates me. I wrote back telling her that I would have given her the pic in a heartbeat if the main guy threw it. But he didn't. I also told her that I did not understand where she was coming from, and what little I do understand is stupid. I told her if she wanted the pic, I would give it to her, and that I thought she was being ridiculous in ending a 5 yr friendship over this. I told her the ball was in her court on what she wanted to do.

What do you all think?

Any suggestions?

Do you think I am justified at all?

Am I at fault?

Please, tell me....

I have flaws and sometimes I even sin.

Today is a Grape-Ice Cream day.

Whenever I was little girl and I had a bad day; I would read a certain book, "Grover's bad and awful day." It was about the Seasme Street character, Grover, and he was having a really bad day. At the climax of this book, Grover is buying a grape ice cream, and his scoop falls off the cone. Even when I was little, I realized the symbolism of this small act.

Grover was having a bad day, and he felt like an outsider. Someone unusual...the grape ice cream.

His world was shaky and he felt like he was having a breakdown...the fall

Or I could be reading into it all.

Basically, I am having a grape ice cream day. Nothing seemed to go right...since yesterday. I am so confused......

...waging wars and keeping secrets...

that is what my life is going to be like for a while.

I don't understand what is going on with me. One minute I can concentrate on anything in front of me...the next I can not tell you anything. Everythign is so confusing. Every side is telling me to do different things and I know who I should listen to...but that differs from who I want to listen to. And who I should listen to is not as healthy as who I would like to listen to....

I need a hug.

And a shoulder to cry on.

Take my heart back, banish all these tears

I am scared... of too many things to name. It is all so hard right now. I want to escape...yet the only way I know how to escape is not very healthy

Do you really see?

So I figured out the fastest way for me to get out of here. If I work nonstop and go to school full time, I will be done with everything by spring 08. I told (my best) friend that and he asked me a very simple question....

"Why would you want to do that?"

I mean, isn't this supposed to be the "best" years of my life? I hope not. But I told him so I can go on to grad school...but now that I think about it....it is to get out of here. And the one question on my mind is....

"What is there for me, here?"

Because, my family....well, it is not like a family. My friends have let me down one too many times. I have nothing here for me. I want to let it all go and just leave. I want a do-over. I want to begin my life again. Because, I do not think it could get much worse.

No. It could get worse. I know I don't have it all bad. In fact, I have a lot of good in my life. But the bad just seems to overwhelm the good. People I trust have let me down too many times, and I am so stupid to let people back in, but I do. I shouldn't though. I should just isolate myself from everything and everyone. I mean...I dream of being a workacholic. I want that. That is not healthy.

I mean, I know that people have it alot worse than I do. It just upsets me that I have to put on a happy face all the time with everyone so they don't get more upset. I love helping them...but I need help too. But that is my problem. Right there. I know I need help, yet I am not able to tell them. I can think it. I can rehearse it...but when it comes to the actual asking them for help...I freeze and say everything is fine...

Fine...

I hate that word andeverything it stands for. It is used too frequently. It is a lie.

One of the hardest things I have had to do this year, is ask for help. I have something BIG coming up and I asked 2 of my closest friends to be there with me. It was hard. How sad is that? It was so hard to just say "I don't want to be alone this day. Do you think you could be there with me?" Very simple. And then I was trying to make it sound like it would be perfectly fine, if not preferable, if they could not...but that is a lie.

It would hurt. Hurt alot.

How did I get so fucked up?