Let me go to Never Never Land

Where am I?
I am looking around.
All I see are empty faces.
Blank hearts.
Vacant eyes.
People I thought were friends,
Who only gave me lies.
It's gray here where I am
I heard it's pretty where you are.
Will I ever see the sun again?
It's cold here.
It seeps into my bones,
Chilling me down to my soul
My heart freezes.
It begins to crack...
Will I ever get my joy back?
What will fill this void?
Where are the fairies and the magic godmothers?
Where is the true love and happy ending?
Where is the pixie dust that allows me to fly?
I guess I grew up too fast,
Because nothing is allowed to flourish here
Not heart
Not mind
Not body
Not soul
An empty vessel is what I am

Let me drown

Where am I on your list of people important to you?
I know on mine, you are at the top.
I don't want to be on the top of yours...but I would like to be on it.
I want to know that you need me, other than for what I can provide for you.
I need you to want me, to want to be with me.
I want to be a part of your life
I want you to want me to be a part of your life.

I don't know you

I feel...abandoned.
Alone.
Left out in the cold.
You only talk to me when you need something...
A ride.
A movie.
A reference.
Never because you want to spend time with me.
Never because you enjoy being with me.
Never because you miss me.
I know this.
I have for a long time.
Yet it just slaps me in the face during random moments in my life.

All for you

Ok...so I think I am a horrible person. I don't believe in best friends (for many long and convulted reasons); however, if I had to choose someone to consider my best friend I would choose 2 of my guy friends...especially one of them. Anyway, my friend is one of the smartest people I know, except for certain reasons he is going to the community college in my town. Anyways, starting in the spring of 07, he might be able to go anywhere. He really wants to go to a college about 2 hours away...because that has a good theatre program (actually, if he could he would go to NYU, but that is too far away he says). And I want him to have the best program, I really do...but I want him to stay here. My other guy friend, who I would consider my other best friend, also goes to this 2 hr away school...and it is hard enough hearing how much fun he is having and with him being so far away...that if this friend goes...I don't know what I would do. I cannot imagine nojt seeing him all the time. I love him (and no, not in any type of romantic love)...and I don't know if I could deal with him being so far away...

Maybe I should start distancing myself now...I don't know. I want the best for him, I really do....

And I cannot transfer over there, because I already transferred to where I am at right now....

Am I a horrible person? Should I tell him how I feel?

Who needs lovers, not me. Who needs heaven above? Don't have time for things unsaid, for baking bread, for love.

All I want to do is spend time with you.
I want to be there for you.
You make me so happy, and that scares me...
Because I am not used to being happy.
And it hurts to know that you don't want to spend time with me.


AHHHHH! My mind is so muddled right now! I have no idea what I am thinking. I have no idea about anything anymore!

And I know better than to include the both of us

It is not so easy for me to say it
Hell, it is hard just to think it...to write it...to know it.
It frightens me.
It frightens me so much that I cannot stop shaking
My heart feels like it will break if you don't understand.
My soul is old and tattered
My heart is bruised and battered.
I just don't know how much I am going to be able to take...
So please, understand that I have a hard time saying 3 little words
Because in the past, it has only lead to pain...
Understand me when I say that I don't know how to say it
Understand that I do, even when I can't say it....
i need you
Please. Don't take advantage of that.

And now I know Spanish Harlem aren't just pretty words

So I guess this is it
The secret is out
I am replaceable.
You don't need me.
I provide nothing to your life that you want or need.
I admit, that I have always known it, deep inside,
But it is one thing to believe it
And another to hear you say it.
It hurts.
More than I thought it would,
More than it should.
Because you don't want me
When all I want it you.
Because you don't need me,
And know I couldn't survive without you.
I love you
And you don't love me back

what's another day?

why is it that when things seem to be going my way
something comes out of the blue and knocks me down?
why?
things were going good
and now i cannot even see the sky through all the gray
i reach up my hand
strech it way up high
i see you
i know you see me too
why are you just standing there?
why aren't you helping me?
why are you just watching me as I fall?
i strech a little more
i whisper your name
why are you walking away?

if only

if only i could go back in time
i would change so many things


i am an awful person

I guess I like to keep you down, because the day you realize how amazing you are, you're going to leave me

Why do you do this?
It has only been 3 days sense we last spoke to each other
I know we didn't part on the best terms, but why?
You never randomly call me, to just talk....ever
So why now?
Not that I mind. It's just that I wish you could do that when I am not upset at you.
I wish you would pick a time to care, when I am not trying to convince myself I am better without you.
Why?
I almost had myself convinvced and then you call
Just to say Hi...just to say you care.
Why now? I was going strong....
But no...you couldn't let me
You had to call me
You had to make me smile
Make me laugh
make me feel special....
Asshole.
Why now?