People suck. I mean, they really do...especially friends. I go out of my way for EVERYONE. I let everyone walk all over me. I do what they want, when they want it...even if I don't want to. I let people treat me like shit...why? I don't know. I always have. I guess I have learned that it is easier to be a doormat and not cause problems than to talk about what you really want or feel, because no one cares...because I am not worth anything. I was helping a friend make a music video...I didn't really want to because, well, it was rather boring if you were not shooting it (which is what he was doing) or if you weren't in it (which is what my sister was doing). But, I let him use my camera...I brought him to my house to shoot. I brought my sister to his house to shoot. I did hair and make-up. I helped with lighting and ideas...I didn't mind because the finished project was hysterical (
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CrKxZPdLrPs). But now he wants to make more, with some more of our friends. And I really don't mind. The thing is, I like being behind the camera. I like doing tech stuff, or shooting, or hair and make-up. I don't like being in front of the camera. I am not a very outgoing person...I never have been. My friends are now telling me that I have to be in one. The thing is, I don't want to. I have no desire to. I don't mind working behind the scenes, but I don't want to be in one. And when I told them that, I get called "boring." They were like "You are so boring. Live a little. Cut loose. Take an acting class. Or a public speaking class." That hurt. Because I do everything they want, everything....and when I mention that I don't want to do something they get mad (and they wonder why I act like a doormat).
I wish I could get all my friends together in one place, and stand up and say:
I am tired of this. All of this. I am tired of doing things I don't want to do. Of going places I don't want to go. All for you all. I love to make people happy, I really do....but I am sick and tired of it being at my expense. If you think I am boring, stop being friends with me. Don't string me along just so you can have someone who does things for you. Because it hurts. It hurts that I obviously don't mean as much to you as you mean to me. One of you needs to grow up and realize that it isn't all about you. Other people have problems and cannot drop everything just to be with you. You do not have the worst life in the world. You have had hardships, yes....but so has everyone else. Get over yourself and stop being so damn hypocritical. Another one of you also needs to stop being a hypocrite. You tell me all the time to tell people when I don't feel like doing something...yet, when I tell you that, you tell me "You're boring. You have no choice. You have to." You are not any better than the rest of them. Three of you need to realize that yes, I do love you, but I am not going to make you the center of my world. I am sorry you don't have as many different friends as I do...but I am not going to take you places where you don't know the people. It doesn't mean I hate you, it just means that I am not attached at the hip with you. The rest of you need to stop only calling me when you want something. I have feelings too, and I know how it feels to be used. It hurts. You all have hurt me so much...and I know you didn't mean to (well, I hope you didn't mean to). But it hurts. So from now on... no more me giving up what I want just to please you. If I don't want to do something, I am not going to. If I don't want to go somewhere, I am not going to go. And if you are going to get mad at me, for doing exactly what you do, then go screw yourselves...because that is not a true friendship. I have been hurt too many times before to go through it again. So if you don't want to accept this change, then have a nice life and don't ever talk to me again.But I will never be able to say that...ever. Despite how much I want to. How do I get myself in these situations where I am ALWAYS the one that gets hurt/used/taken advantage of?
