Sometimes I get so fed up, I don't even want to look at myself

So I find myself in another mood where I feel the need to update this, even though no one reads it...

I have this situation...I don't believe in best friends. I have some very very good friends, and if I had to pick a "best" it would be difficult...but I would pick my friend...lets call him Mitch. Mitch is so important to me. And I hate saying that. I hate reading it. Admiting it. Feeling it. Everything. I hate needing anyone, because in the past I have been seriously screwed over...so for me to know that I need him scares me. I don't want to need him...but I do. He is so important to me. I love him. Not in any kind of romantic sense (eww) but in a more than friends. He is so special to me (it would make alot more sense if I had any sort of romantic attraction to him). The catch is....I am not near as important to him as he is to me. At least, he hasn't given any inclination that I am important to him. And that hurts.

That hurts so much.

I want to be important to him...I need to be important to him...I need to be needed...and I don't feel like I am to him. I feel as if we said goodbye...I would be torn up...and he wouldn't even notice. I wish I could tell him...but I can't. Our friendship i very unique. Neither one of us has a problem saying "I love you" to ANYONE else...or hugging others...or whatever...except towards each other. We both say goodbye to people and hug them and say "I love you," but never towards each other. We rarely say those 3 little words that we toss around with such ease.

The dictionary describes love as: "A deep, tender, ineffable feeling of affection and solicitude toward a person, such as that arising from kinship, recognition of attractive qualities, or a sense of underlying oneness."

Ineffable is something that is incapable of being shown...that is something I know he will pull out if I ask him about it...again.

I have mentioned it to him...and he just shrugs. He has no idea how much it hurts me to feel unimportant to him. I wish I could tell him.