After a life time, it's all over

After so much time it's all over.

I'm angry. I am so angry...angrier than I have ever been. At so many people...and places...and events. I feel as if the inside of me is being burned away by a fire and all I want to do is place it on other people. I want other people to know what it feels like...what this feels like. I want them to hurt as much as they have hurt us.

I'm lost. I have no idea where to go from here. My fragile world has fallen down...torn down by their lies and their fraud.

I'm sad. I regret everything I have done. It seems like everything has been a waste of time. A waste of energy. I feel like everything I have gone through has been for nothing. All I have lost, all I have given up is for nothing.

I'm not surprised. I am not surprised that the bad guys won. That lies and fraud and evil has overrun the justice system. There is no justice, when did I convince myself there was?

I'm disappointed. I am disappointed in myself. I allowed myself to believe it would turn out alright. I was concerned it would not, but deep down I thought goodness would prevail.

I'm worried. I am worried about what this will do to my family. What I will do to my family. As much as I preach it, I don't forgive and forget. I hold grudges. I hurt. I don't let go of the past. Will I be able to let this go? Will I be able to bounce back from this disappointment? Will I let go?

I'm scared. I am scared of never gaining what I lost. I am scared of losing more. I am scared of hurting. I am scared that I won't let the anger go. I can't just let it go. It is the only thing keeping me together. I am scared to fall apart.

I'm nervous. I am nervous about what people are going to say or do. I don't want them to say I am overreacting. In my mind, I'm not. No one will be able to understand this from my point of view. And no one is going to understand how hard this is. I am not overreacting.

It won't be ok. It will just be.