Maybe Maybe

My life is stagnant. I want things to change and I am trying to change them...but everyone is standing in my way and not letting me do it. I am really ready to just leave everyone alone. I have some really great friends, but the ones I thought were really great before aren't. Which is very upsetting. These people meant the world to me and I am now realizing the only time I am important to them is when they need something. And that's not a friendship.

I'm strong, but I break.
I'm stubborn, and I make plenty of mistakes.
I'm hard, and life with me is never easy to figure out, to love,
I'm jaded but I'm so lonely.
All you have to do is hold me
And you'll know and you'll see just how sweet it can be
If you'll trust me, love me, let me, maybe, maybe
Someday when we're at the same place, when we're on the same road,
When it's okay to hold my hand without feeling lost.
Well I know all the excuses, when it's just because
You love me, you let me, you need me, maybe, maybe
All you have to do is hold me
And you'll know and you'll see just how sweet it can be if you'll trust me, love me,
Let me, maybe, maybe
I'm confusing as hell.
Yeah I'm north and I'm south.
And I'll probably never have it all figured out but what I know is
I wasn't meant to walk this world without you.
And I promise I'll try, I'll try to give you every little part of me.
Every single detail you missed with your eyes.
Then maybe, maybe, yeah maybe, maybe, maybe
One day, we'll be together you'll need me, you'll see me compeltely.
Every little thing, you'll need me, you'll love me, you'll love me
I don't want to be tough, and I don't wanna be proud.
I don't need to be fixed and I certainly don't need to be found.
I'm not lost, I need to be loved, I just need to be loved.
I just want to be loved by you and I won't stop cause
I believe that maybe yeah maybe
Maybe you need me,
Maybe I should know better not to touch the fire twice but
I'm thinking maybe, well, maybe not
Love maybe

"Maybe"- Kelly Clarkson

I'm heavily broken and I don't know what to do

I thought as you gre older things got easier...or rather you learned how to deal with problems. I don't know if it ever gets any easier. I find myself being content...almost happy, and then something happens and it stops and I feel lower than before. I don't have any way to shape the way I feel to make people understand. I don't enjoy being depressed and lonely. I don't. I know some people think I do...but I don't. I just don't know how else to be. It's like, I am so used to feeling this way that it is my norm. I hate not trusting anyone. I hate feeling so lonely. I feel like I have no one to turn to, because no one cares. I just want to be happy. I just want to be whole. I want to belong. I want to be wanted. I want to be needed. I want to be loved. I want to be fixed. I don't want to be broken any longer.

And I seem to break down at the thought of that night

I am starting to realize that he doesn't need me. No one does. It hurts...kinda. And then there is a part of me that is glad. It almost releases me from pressure.

I am a little disconnecte...I'm on medication