And who's to say that we're not good enough?

Does everyone have a purpose in life? And if so, does everyone realize and strive to reach it? If everyone is trying to be the best they can be and change the world, why are there so many problems?

I guess I am confused. I mean, I'm 20 years old and I want to change the world...or at least make a significant contribution. Do other people feel that way? I find myself wanting to walk away and tell everyone:

"Just watch what I'm going to be. Watch what I'm going to do. I don't know what it is yet, but it will be huge; it will be fantastic. Just you watch!"

What scares me is the thought of failure. What if I can't? What if I'm not good enough, not smart enough, not talented enough, not aware enough, just not enough? What if I go through life trying to find my purpose just to realize I don't have one...will that happen? What if I am stuck waiting for my life to start and to be happy and that doesn't happen?

I know the stereotype. The youg college student thinking the world is their oyster and that they will be the one to change it and make it a better place. They wind up thinking that until they realize they are now old, gray, and cynical. Then they laugh at the foolishness of the younger, hopeful generation. I don't want to be like that. I want to make a difference. I want to look back and say "Wow, I did something good. I did it right."

Then I wonder if I want to achieve this sense of purpose because I want to do something...or because I want to show people that I can. Do I want to do something great just to show that I can? Do I want to say to those that hurt me

"See what you left? I can do amazing things. Do you regret hurting me? Do you see what you missed out on? You could have been a part of this. You could have helped me achieve this, but you didn't. That is what you get."

I'd like to think I just want to do somethin amazing and that I'm not a vindictive person...but I think it is a mix of both. I think it's human nature to want to show off for people who have hurt you. I think I want to do something great and I want to show it off to those who have hurt me.
I don't know where this all came from. I think I'm scared that I will never be good enough to do something amazing or to make the world a better place.

Maybe Maybe

My life is stagnant. I want things to change and I am trying to change them...but everyone is standing in my way and not letting me do it. I am really ready to just leave everyone alone. I have some really great friends, but the ones I thought were really great before aren't. Which is very upsetting. These people meant the world to me and I am now realizing the only time I am important to them is when they need something. And that's not a friendship.

I'm strong, but I break.
I'm stubborn, and I make plenty of mistakes.
I'm hard, and life with me is never easy to figure out, to love,
I'm jaded but I'm so lonely.
All you have to do is hold me
And you'll know and you'll see just how sweet it can be
If you'll trust me, love me, let me, maybe, maybe
Someday when we're at the same place, when we're on the same road,
When it's okay to hold my hand without feeling lost.
Well I know all the excuses, when it's just because
You love me, you let me, you need me, maybe, maybe
All you have to do is hold me
And you'll know and you'll see just how sweet it can be if you'll trust me, love me,
Let me, maybe, maybe
I'm confusing as hell.
Yeah I'm north and I'm south.
And I'll probably never have it all figured out but what I know is
I wasn't meant to walk this world without you.
And I promise I'll try, I'll try to give you every little part of me.
Every single detail you missed with your eyes.
Then maybe, maybe, yeah maybe, maybe, maybe
One day, we'll be together you'll need me, you'll see me compeltely.
Every little thing, you'll need me, you'll love me, you'll love me
I don't want to be tough, and I don't wanna be proud.
I don't need to be fixed and I certainly don't need to be found.
I'm not lost, I need to be loved, I just need to be loved.
I just want to be loved by you and I won't stop cause
I believe that maybe yeah maybe
Maybe you need me,
Maybe I should know better not to touch the fire twice but
I'm thinking maybe, well, maybe not
Love maybe

"Maybe"- Kelly Clarkson

I'm heavily broken and I don't know what to do

I thought as you gre older things got easier...or rather you learned how to deal with problems. I don't know if it ever gets any easier. I find myself being content...almost happy, and then something happens and it stops and I feel lower than before. I don't have any way to shape the way I feel to make people understand. I don't enjoy being depressed and lonely. I don't. I know some people think I do...but I don't. I just don't know how else to be. It's like, I am so used to feeling this way that it is my norm. I hate not trusting anyone. I hate feeling so lonely. I feel like I have no one to turn to, because no one cares. I just want to be happy. I just want to be whole. I want to belong. I want to be wanted. I want to be needed. I want to be loved. I want to be fixed. I don't want to be broken any longer.

And I seem to break down at the thought of that night

I am starting to realize that he doesn't need me. No one does. It hurts...kinda. And then there is a part of me that is glad. It almost releases me from pressure.

I am a little disconnecte...I'm on medication

After a life time, it's all over

After so much time it's all over.

I'm angry. I am so angry...angrier than I have ever been. At so many people...and places...and events. I feel as if the inside of me is being burned away by a fire and all I want to do is place it on other people. I want other people to know what it feels like...what this feels like. I want them to hurt as much as they have hurt us.

I'm lost. I have no idea where to go from here. My fragile world has fallen down...torn down by their lies and their fraud.

I'm sad. I regret everything I have done. It seems like everything has been a waste of time. A waste of energy. I feel like everything I have gone through has been for nothing. All I have lost, all I have given up is for nothing.

I'm not surprised. I am not surprised that the bad guys won. That lies and fraud and evil has overrun the justice system. There is no justice, when did I convince myself there was?

I'm disappointed. I am disappointed in myself. I allowed myself to believe it would turn out alright. I was concerned it would not, but deep down I thought goodness would prevail.

I'm worried. I am worried about what this will do to my family. What I will do to my family. As much as I preach it, I don't forgive and forget. I hold grudges. I hurt. I don't let go of the past. Will I be able to let this go? Will I be able to bounce back from this disappointment? Will I let go?

I'm scared. I am scared of never gaining what I lost. I am scared of losing more. I am scared of hurting. I am scared that I won't let the anger go. I can't just let it go. It is the only thing keeping me together. I am scared to fall apart.

I'm nervous. I am nervous about what people are going to say or do. I don't want them to say I am overreacting. In my mind, I'm not. No one will be able to understand this from my point of view. And no one is going to understand how hard this is. I am not overreacting.

It won't be ok. It will just be.

You don't know where to go, you don't know where to hide

10 years. It has been 10 years since the life that I knew and loved ended. It has been 10 years since I have felt whole. Since I have been truly happy...innocent. Carefree.

It has ben 10 years since my life was violently ripped from me in the span of 11 minutes. Since I was lied to. Since I had to grow up so violently that I lost everything that defined me.

Have I changed so much that I don't trust people? Have I become that jaded? All in the span of 10 years? Yes. I have. And I don't know how to get it back.

How did I let myself become...this? This person who is so closed off...the person who drives everyone else away with a smile attached to her face...

Will I ever get over this? Will I ever be put back together? Will I ever be whole? Will I ever not be alone?

It has been 10 years....and I don't think I will ever be better. I think I will always be like this...

I don't want to be. I don't know how to change it.

Can you help me, I'm bent. I'm so scared that I'll never be put back together

Does anyone read this? Has anyone stumbled across it? Probably not. If they did they would think "wow, this chick is seriously depressed." And I am. I need to be on medications (from my own diagnosis) but I'm not. And I'm not going to be.

I'm unhappy.

Isn't it funny that it is so easy to write that down...especially here, where no one I know will find it.

I am unhappy with my life. Every aspect of my life. I didn't think you were supposed to feel this way as you got older...I still do.

Nothing is going the way I want it to go. Not things with family. Not with friends. Not with work. not with school. Not with anything.

I need to feel needed. I need to be needed. And wanted. And I'm not. I have this feeling like I am just there and everyone would either be fine or better off without me here.

I don't like feeling like this. I don't like looking into the mirror and feeling numb. I don't like be startled to find tears rolling down my cheeks. I don't like having to wipe those tears away just in time to paste on a smile when someone walks into a room.

I hate the fact that I'm sad. I hate the fact that I feel like I can't tell anyone because no one will understand.

I hate that I am crazy.